Sailors in the Brig
by Sehrezad
Summary: "Well, at least they didn't end up in the hospital. I mean it's either James beating me out of August's head or August beating some sense into James. Either way it was bound to get ugly at some point." What happens when James invites August out on that drink he thought about in "The Man in Her Life"? Emma/August, Snow/James


**Sailors in the Brig**

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything connecting to the show or the songs. The copyright of the lyrics belongs to Richard Docker who – if I understood it correctly – was the one who collected them. _

_Summary: "Well, at least they didn't end up in the hospital. I mean it's either James beating me out of August's head or August beating some sense into James. Either way it was bound to get ugly at some point." What happens when James invites August out on that drink he thought about in "The Man in Her Life"?_

_Warnings for sexual content in the lyrics; skip those if you are under age. I tried to stick to the tamer ones, though._

* * *

"Yeah," Emma groaned into the phone as she answered it still half-asleep. A young and totally embarrassed voice answered on the other end of the line and Emma almost fell back to sleep while the young man just kept on apologizing for whatever reason he had disturbed her in the middle of the night. When he had finally reached the purpose of his call, Emma's sleepy features turned into a frown. "What?" she asked not quite sure she had heard the man rigth but when he repeated his last sentence – though this time with a little bit more stuttering – Emma groaned again burying her face into her pillow.

In the distance she could still hear the man's incessant babbling but she had the energy only to mumble, "Yeah, yeah, you do that," before without looking she ended the call and let the phone fall from her hand as she drifted back to sleep, her previous conversation promptly forgotten.

The next time she was awakened, it was by the creaking of her door and a couple of footsteps as they approached the bed. She didn't bother opening her eyes; she just turned on her other side to leave room for August to crawl into bed. The footsteps, however, stopped on her side of the bed and Emma could feel the bed shift under the weight of whoever had just sat down there.

Her eyes popped open in alert.

"Hey," a gentle voice greeted her as a careful hand swept her hair out of her eyes.

Emma blinked a couple of times before croaking a confused 'hey' as a reply. "What are you doing here?" she asked.

"I've got the most curious call about fifteen minutes ago," Snow smiled at her daughter. "Ted from the Sheriff's Department called and told me that I should go and collect my husband."

"Oh," was all Emma could say to that as she pressed her hands against her tired eyes. "He called me, too. I think I just assumed that it was a dream."

"No such luck," Snow smiled once again then proceeded to stand up. "Come on, I came to pick you up."

"I can't believe this," Emma muttered as she grudgingly sat up and stretched her limbs. "What time is it?" She squinted at the alarm at the nightstand and after learning that it was 2:17 in the morning, she looked at her mother. "And why are you so calm?" she asked. Sometimes it was really hard to understand that infinite calmness that always surrounded her mother. "You've just got kicked out of bed because your husband was stupid enough to get himself locked up. You should make him learn a lesson. Leave him there; let him whatever came over him to sleep it off behind bars."

"You're talking about your father, Emma," Snow reminded Emma.

"I know but it doesn't mean that I have to go blind when he's being a…"

"Emma!" Snow cut her off with a disapproving look. "August is there, too. Do you really want him to spend the night in jail?"

"Damn right," Emma answered without a second thought then lay back, closing her eyes and getting comfortable. When Snow didn't answer and Emma couldn't hear any movement, either, she cracked an eye open. "You can stay if you want," she offered. "It's not as if August needs his side of the bed."

"Emma…"

"What?" Emma huffed. "He can't possibly expect his pregnant girlfriend to run and bail him out in the middle of the night." Under Snow's unwavering gaze, however, Emma knew that she'd got no other choice but to follow her mother. She sighed rolling her eyes then threw the covers aside and sat up once again. "Give me five minutes," she said in a tone that clearly said she wasn't happy about leaving her bed then she stood and started towards the bathroom.

"Did something happen?" Gepetto emerged from the living room with a worried expression as the two women reached the front door.

"Nothing to worry about," Snow reassured the old man, still being every bit of calm. Emma scoffed and Gepetto's eyes settled on her.

"Emma?"

"It's all right, really," Emma tried to quell his worry. "It just seems that my father and August have been taken into custody."

"Custody?" Gepetto furrowed his brows. "They are in jail?"

"Yep," Emma nodded. "Very much so."

"Oh my Goodness. What happened?"

"Apparently, they got into a bar fight and the owner didn't really appreciate the flying chairs."

"But didn't they go out to settle their issues?"

"That they did," Snow agreed. "But James can be so thickheaded sometimes and August…"

"…is stubborn like a mule," Gepetto finished for her.

"All right, let's head out before I change my mind and go back to bed," Emma spoke up opening the door. "We'll be back within the hour," she told Gepetto before leaving.

"What do you think they did?" Emma asked her mother as they drove to the Sheriff's Department.

"I have no idea," Snow shook her head.

"Well, at least they didn't end up in the hospital," Emma mused. "I mean it's either James beating me out of August's head or August beating some sense into James. Either way it was bound to get ugly at some point."

"God, I knew this whole man-to-man talk was a bad idea," Snow sighed as she pulled into a parking place in front of the Sheriff's Department.

"It serves them right," Emma stated stepping out of the car. "Maybe they got it out of their system and be able to carry an actual conversation from now on," she shrugged.

Snow just opened her mouth to say something to Emma, probably along the line of being too hard on the men, but Ted, who looked seriously out of breath, cut her off.

"Sheriff Swan, Sheriff Swan," he ran up to the couple and stopped right in front of Emma putting a hand on his chest as if calming himself. "I'm so glad you are here. I want you to know that I did everything according to protocol," he was quick to reassure Emma.

"That's certainly good to know," Emma answered slowly not really sure why that piece of information was so important to share. Not noticing the confused look on Emma's face, Ted grinned satisfied and when Emma exchanged a look with Snow, he turned into the other woman's direction. He visibly paled.

"Princess Snow White," he stuttered bowing his head in respect. "I'm so sorry, I didn't notice that you are here. Please excuse my lack of manners."

"That's all right," she dismissed him. "Can we go in and get over with it?"

"Of course," Ted stuttered again then turned to lead the way. "I'm so sorry, Your Majesty," after a while Ted started again.

"You've already said that."

"No, I mean I'm sorry for arresting your husband."

"Are you apologizing for doing your job?" Emma asked.

"No. I mean, yes. I mean it's the Prince we're talking about. I hope you know that I had no choice. The council clearly stated that every member of the kingdom has to be treated according to the laws of this world. And Apparently Prince James had broken those rules… this of course doesn't mean that he is a bad person but unfortunately I had to proceed accordingly."

"Geez," Emma pushed open the door to the squad room, "you're acting like Snow would order your decapitation first thing in the morning." At that the young man visibly gulped and Emma rolled her eyes. "Oh for God's sake," she muttered. "There won't be any beheading…," she stated pushing past Ted to grab the necessary paperwork from the filing cabinet. "But maybe it's time to dust the iron maiden," she threw behind her back as Ted kept on apologizing to Snow for locking up Prince James.

"Emma…" she could hear her mother's warning as she grabbed the forms and pushed the cabinet closed. She sat down by the nearest desk and, grabbing a pen, she set out to fill in the forms.

After a while Snow managed to get rid of the guilt-ridden young officer and she settled down next to Emma.

"There's quite a commotion in there," she observed as in the silence of the squad room loud noises could be heard coming from the lock-up. It sounded as if a whole Irish pub had been brought in.

"Maybe Grumpy hit the town, too," Emma observed with her full attention on the paper work in front of her. "He's quite the singer when pissed."

"Shouldn't we bail him out, too?" Snow asked with a worried glance towards the door that led to the cells.

"Believe me, he's much better off sleeping it off in here."

As an answer Snow just sighed and looked at Emma when she threw her pen on the desk. "All right, let's go," she said standing up and starting toward Ted's desk.

"Keys," she held out her hand and rolled her eyes exasperatedly when Ted began fumbling with a rather large bunch of keys.

"Cell number 4."

"Cell number 4?" Emma took the keys. "You put them into the same cell?" she inquired stunned. Surely Ted couldn't be that dumb.

"Yes. Is that a problem?" he looked at his boss nervously sensing that he had done something stupid but not really sure what and it took all Emma's willpower not to fire the guy on the spot. He was a good guy, a little simple and too eager to please but he never meant any harm.

"Is that a problem?" Snow looked at him with wide eyes. "They've just tried to beat each other into a pulp!" she informed him and for the first time it seemed to Emma that her mother had just reached the end of her infinite patience. Yup, Ted had that kind of effect on people.

"I am so sorry," the young man stuttered. The poor man was more terrified than if Emma had called him on his stupidity. "I didn't know that."

"You didn't know that?" Emma looked at him incredulously, seriously questioning her trust in the man's abilities and wishing for patience that had been really running low around three in the morning. "They must have told you at the bar why the hell they called the police."

"Yes, Ma'am," Ted nodded. "They told me that things got out of hand when some suspiciously looking individuals began picking on the Prince. They said that there'd been already a couple of shots in him but he acted with dignity and wouldn't give the time of the day to those pricks. Then one of them said something especially rude and the next thing they knew was that Mr. Booth was in his face telling him to back off then suddenly all hell broke loose… That was what the bartender said – Ma'am."

"So they didn't get dragged in because they were having a fistfight?"

"No, Ma'am," Ted shook his head vehemently. "Not with each other at least. If I am allowed to say, they were acting quite friendly with each other. Your Highness was calling Mr. Booth 'my son'."

"Are you serious?" Emma asked disbelief written all over her face. Maybe she'd just misheard the guy; the noise coming from the lock-up surely made it difficult to hear him.

…_whatever I want she doesn't mind - up on top or from behind..._

"What in God's name is that?" Snow exclaimed as the lyrics of the song reached her ears.

"That would be Prince James, Your Majesty… and Mr. Booth. Grumpy's teaching them some songs," Ted answered quickly turning beat red.

Snow looked like somebody who wasn't ready to believe what she kept hearing coming from the other room but it picked the interest of Emma, who started to pay closer attention to whatever was coming from the direction of the holding cells. As Snow's eyes got wider with every passing word, Emma's smile got larger and suddenly she understood the embarrassed blush that was tinting Ted's cheeks.

She started pushing her mother towards the cells and when she opened the door, she stopped for a moment because - apart from the smell of stale alcohol and tobacco making her momentarily recoil - the shock value of the scene in front of her was too much. She faintly registered that all the holding cells were full – it seemed the whole bar had been brought in – and there were some occupants who tried to sleep it off on the floor or propped uncomfortably against the wall, other just sat there staring into nothingness, maybe enjoying the numbness the alcohol had caused.

It also occurred to her that she'd have a busy day the next day.

What caught her attention, though, were cell number 4 and its three occupants. Grumpy was standing with his back to the bars wildly gesticulating while James and August were sitting on the cot with arms around each other's shoulders singing with everything they had.

_There's Nancy lives in Port Mahon,  
By God, she is an Amazon.  
She'll wrap her legs around my waist  
And mash her tits against my face._

_Now Meg's the queen of Tiger Bay,_  
_Always right for a roll in the hay._  
_If a sailor comes in worth a mint_  
_She will fuck him 'til he's skint._

"That's it, brothers," Grumpy clapped with a creepy amount of enthusiasm when they finished the song. The men laughed with eyes shining with too much alcohol and Emma noticed how flushed James looked.

They were seriously wasted.

And the song they were singing, it was so incredibly dirty and they looked so incredibly proud of themselves that Emma couldn't help when her lips began twitching and they formed an amused smile that quickly turned into a full-blown laughter.

And Snow just stood their with her mouth open and complete and utter shock written all over her face.

"Come on, brothers," Grumpy quickly spoke up when he noticed that they got audience. "Show the ladies what you've got."

At that exclamation the first thought that crossed Emma's mind – after hearing the subject of their song – was that "please, no" but fortunately all the men did was to start a new song.

_As I was walking down the beach one dark and stormy night  
I came upon a whorehouse with its red light shining bright.  
I walked up to the welcome mat and knocked upon the door.  
Who should answer but a lovely Chinese whore._

_She wore a pink kimono, it was open at the front;_  
_I swear I could have counted every hair on her curly…_

"Enough!" Snow finally found her voice and looked at the men with a stern, disapproving expression. The men, having been cut off so abruptly, looked at her stunned. "What are you doing?" Snow breathed the question in disbelief because she was still in too much of a shock for her vocal cords to work properly.

"I believe they're singing bawdy sailor songs," Emma replied wiping the tears away. "Oh my God," she said trying to compose herself. "That was… unexpected."

"They're good, huh?" Grumpy asked the women as James stumbled to the bars and pressed his flushed face against them.

"It looks like it was your turn to find me, Sweetie," he told Snow with a dazed expression.

Snow closed her eyes for a moment trying to chase away the thought that she was partaking in a scene that was some sordid version of their encounter through the Evil Queen's mirror back when she went to free him from King George's castle.

"James, what have you done?"

"Drink… a lot," came the reply but not from James. August appeared next to him, throwing his arm around the other man's shoulders nonchalantly.

"I can see you managed to bond," Emma observed and the two men eagerly agreed.

"August here is the most amazing guy here I've ever met," James supplied with a silly grin and Emma found herself grinning. That was unbelievable.

"James' my new pal, Princessss," August added squeezing James shoulder. "We are like Bud Spencer and Terence Hill."

"Oh, you are," Snow nodded. "A bar fight? Really? That's your idea of a guys' night out? And thinking that I actually thought you'd sit down and talk it out."

"We did," James protested with sincere indignation.

"Yeah," August agreed. "He called me an irresponsible little bastard who deflowered his little girl and I told him that he can shove his opinion because I love her daughter and don't give a crap about whatever he's thinking about me," he explained then turned to Emma with an expression that undoubtedly meant to be affectionate but came down as quite foolish."I love you sooo much," he told her. "And I love you," he turned to James.

"I love you, too," James returned before turning to his wife. "But I love you more, Snow."

"Wonderful," was all Snow could say to that.

"Love you, too, Peanut," James didn't stop in his declarations of love and suddenly he found himself in the fierce hug of Grumpy, who apparently didn't realize that the last statement was addressed to Emma.

At that even Snow White was unable to suppress her chuckle while Emma laughed out seeing the three men practically hugging each other in a drunken haze.

"You still want to get them out of there?" Emma turned to her mother with an amused expression.

"You know what? I really don't. You were absolutely right – they'd better sleep it off in here."

Both of them knew that once they began telling you just how much they love you – and everybody else for that matter, the situation had just got beyond manageable.

"Good choice," Emma agreed. "And anyway, we really don't want to break up the love fest now, do we?"

"God forbid!" Snow chuckled, taking her daughter's arm. "Let's be grateful that they're bonding," she said starting towards the door.

"Even though they got a little overboard," Emma added as they threw a final look behind their backs where the men, in the midst of their group hug, had just noticed them leaving.

"You're leaving?" James called after them.

"Damn right," Snow mimicked her daughter's statement from earlier that night.

"But didn't you come to get us out?" August asked pressing his face between the bars and looking at Emma questioningly.

"That we did," Emma answered. "We changed our mind, though," she added and could feel her resolve to leave them there crumble under the disappointed look the man was giving him. Why did he have to be so damn cute? "You looked quite fine in there just five minutes ago," she pointed out. "Go," she waved her free hand, "continue your guys' night out… or in… whatever. We'll see you in the morning." With that she turned around and nudged Snow to start moving. "And no kissing of my father," she threw behind her back just before the door closed behind them.

There was silence in the lock-up after that as both James and August kept looking longingly at the door through which the women disappeared but not long after that a man from one of the cells began humming and it didn't take long for the others – those who hadn't fallen asleep or had already woken up – to join him supplying the lyrics. It seemed to have broken the spell the two men had gotten under and they grinned at each other then cheering, they took Grumpy between them and promptly began to sing.

_There's Betty from Port Adelaide… _

**The End**

_Okay, it seriously got out of hand by the end. Sorry for that… And thanks for reading!_


End file.
